“There are so many decisions to be made, one of them being the inconceivable idea of disposition options for the baby. You’re never prepared to think about that for your unborn or newborn child, but depending on how far along into the pregnancy they are, parents are faced with these decisions, which vary by state. Sometimes a hospital disposition is possible, but for later gestations especially, the family is often faced with looking at cremation or some type of burial. I explain the options available and what each option will look like. It’s important to allow families to absorb the info and to give everyone time and space to process. Once a decision is made, I help line things up and help them navigate their journey.”
Sometimes there are signs that a baby has passed in pregnancy, but ultimately losses are confirmed by ultrasound. “There’s a few ways people may suspect something is wrong, for example, if they aren’t feeling movement; or sometimes a regularly scheduled ultrasound delivers the bad news. Either way, it often feels shocking and overwhelming,” explains Ashley.
Depending on the birthing person’s specific medical condition and gestation of the baby, families are faced with decisions to make regarding medical intervention. “Wait for labor or be induced for later gestations, a D&C for earlier losses, or in cases of risk to the birthers health or baby’s quality of life, a termination for medical reasons. As a former medical assistant and OB technician, I’m experienced in both obstetrics and labor and delivery, and I’ve worked with many people experiencing all levels of loss. I use my knowledge to help the family understand the available options, and support them compassionately using my tools as a certified grief educator. The postpartum period brings the usual physical needs, as well as many emotional ones that tend to be intensified with their grief. When physical symptoms of grief arise, they can be similar to certain medical concerns. With this level of trauma, women can be hesitant to reach out to their doctors because of the association with their loss. I help encourage parents to contact their medical provider, validate their anxieties and provide information for them to make an informed decision. Along these same lines, I share organizations that provide resources and information, and maintain lists of referrals for therapists, support groups, etc. Having these ready for families is crucial, as the last thing someone in crisis feels capable of is researching for support,” explains Ashley.
Ashley has a unique level of understanding the isolation associated with pregnancy loss, especially when compounded by the grief of making the incredibly difficult decision to have a termination for medical reasons. She explains, “With my first pregnancy in 2011, I had a genetic screening test, although I was very low risk, as I knew from my line of work that genetics do not always matter. A measurement came back abnormal, and I was told there was a 75% chance that my baby would be born with a genetic disorder. Though chromosome testing came back normal, it was during the follow up ultrasound that my son was diagnosed with a rare fatal disorder that causes limbs to lock in place. He would lose his ability to move and his lungs would never mature. I was told that he would either die in the womb, during delivery, or he would be born alive but then pass from being not be able to breathe. As a medical professional, I kept thinking there’s got to be a surgery that can help—there’s got to be something to help my son’s quality of life. So we went home, did some research, and what we read was unreal. I was given the option of continuing the pregnancy and waiting for him to die (not knowing at what point that might be), or proceed with a termination for medical reasons. For me, all I could think was ‘How much pain will my son be in as his limbs lock?’ Every day, I would be wondering if that would be the day he died, as I would have no way of knowing since he wouldn’t be moving while alive. I was devastated about having to make that decision, and I experienced a lot of trauma. I use this personal experience to help others in similar situations feel less alone, and to prepare them in ways I wish I had been prepared. After another loss, a first trimester miscarriage, I conceived and gave birth to my healthy, beautiful identical twins. It was a long, difficult road to parenthood, but these experiences are the foundation for what I am doing now.”
Through Tides of Life Doula & Perinatal Bereavement Services LLC, Ashley offers different levels of support to those facing similar decisions and pregnancy loss, as well as services for other medical professionals, businesses, and doulas to increase their knowledge of how to provide compassionate support. “In addition to the direct services I offer families, educating others who work with perinatal loss families is one of my main goals. It’s an honor to personally help these families, but I’m aware I’m only one person. To create true change, doulas and medical professionals need the understanding and tools to provide the care perinatal loss families deserve.”
Ashley recently shared her entire pregnancy journey at the MAMA Maternal Mental Health Storytelling Symposium held at the GEM Theater in Detroit, which you can find on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nPpEupbh5g
Close Up Radio will feature Ashley Inclima, founder of Tides of Life Doula in an interview with Jim Masters on Thursday, July 11th at 11am Eastern
Listen to the show on BlogTalkRadio
If you have any questions for our guest, please call (347) 996-3389
For more information about Ashley Inclima, please visit https://www.tidesoflifedoula.com
Lou Ceparano
Close Up Television & Radio
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